Lord Farquaad Rumored to Search for a Potential Bride

By The Three Blind Mice, Investigative Reporters — Squeaky Leaks

Even ruthless dictators seek their perfect love story. 

Close representatives to Lord Farquaad have submitted intel to us concerning his pursuit of a bride, which follows a slew of reforms made to Duloc’s cultural sphere. The insiders, kept anonymous, report that any leads towards bridal candidates are “held with the utmost priority.”

“Farquaad resents his lack of kingship,” says one insider. “He sees it as an obstacle to assuming true influence over Duloc. If he can find a queen, there’s nothing stopping him from taking complete control of the kingdom.”

Squeaky Leaks has previously reported on Farquaad’s campaigns towards homogeneity, whether through his banishment of fairytale creatures or rigorous inspections. Scholars worry that his assumption of the king could intensify the severity of these measures. 

“It would be utter chaos,” says Merlin, local sorcerer and Professor of Magic. “If you blink the wrong way, you could face execution. Not only do I pray for Duloc, but for the bride candidates. Who knows what their fates entail?”

Eligible bachelorettes to Farquaad include Snow White, who currently rests in an enclosed glass chamber; Cinderella, who labors as a domestic servant to close relatives; and Princess Fiona, who awaits a hero to rescue her from a dragon-guarded tower. 

Time will tell which princess Farquaad prefers for his plans, but, as always, check back with us for updates.